Today's...

mmmmm... I must say that the first walk did not go too well...I was 10 minutes late at my own appointment...This would be funny if I wouldn't have been aware of how furious I was for a wee while... That I was late, thus unreliable, thus not being able to meet the expectations of others, thus feeling not good enough....thus going back for not being able to plan my trip better, thus getting furious that the buses don't come more often on Sundays...thus getting frustrated that I can't walk faster....and all these thoughts in just a few minutes...

This is where it started my walking meditation...

Breathing in, I know I am breathing in
Breathing out, I know I am breathing out.

It is difficult to walk slowly under so many heavy feelings...shame for being late...I shouldn't be late because people might feel I let them down...
is it true? can I know that people feel I let them down because I was late?
How do I feel when I believe this thought? I feel like caught in a place too small for me...suffocated....responsible for others' 'feeling good'....
How would I be without the thought? just ok....aware I have done my best to get in time, that maybe next time I can plan better time wise...and maybe allow the others to have their own thoughts about my being late, thoughts that positive or negative, but are theirs...and maybe me just being late gave them a time space they needed for themselves - for one reason or another - the way reality is, is the way it is...so, why worry so much?

Right... why worry so much? As Byron Katie says so often...nothing happens one second earlier or one second later than it should happen...


 I try to smile to my feeling of embarrassment...my face feels like made of stone...no muscle moves to give way to a smile....breathe in with the awareness of my face muscles....and they relax...and at the next breathe I can start a wee smile.....and this is how I take care of my stressful feeling....

I continue the walk... and I can see the lovely sunlight...and a squirrel, and many ducks, and lots of people rushing away after a football game....

find the squirrel..

easier to see the squirrel...

curious ducks..

people rushing off..